The "Real" Story behind my Lack of bloggin'

So forget whatever I said before...
I guess I didn't accurately write how it all happened.

This is the real deal...
So I am here to tell the real story behind why Blog-slackery was afoot at my domicile.

How it all went down...
I was walking along minding my own business like those of you that know me know I have a tendency to do....

When i heard a sound.
Being the nimble witted super hero that I am by night, I sprung to my feet.... Like I was reacting to a "Clatter" that wasn't due until at least ONE more holiday was under my belt.
Using my ninja like reflexes, I responded.
With all of the quickness of a gazelle unleashed with a lion hot on it's ass I was out among the commotion. The scene was one of pandelerium and utter chaos.
There were close to sixteen rabid house cats two geese and a friggin' drunk chimp wrasslin' in the door yard.
Now I know that most would have shied away from such an Obvious trap....
But this is me we are talking about here... and mista man.... I'd have none of it.
Traps be damned... if the evil forces that seek to cripple and silence my good work were able to put me off of the good deeds which are my responsibility... well... then the terrorist have won.
I am not about to cower to those spineless little bastards that would send a liquor-soaked primate some feathered fowl and infected pussy cats to do their work.
The damn sissies were about to see what happens when you step to me in my own secret lair I tell you.

It had started before I could even think through a plan.
So the scene resembled a cheap B-rate slasher film from the seventies... bad edits and all.
I had quickly tied two of the cats tails to one another and began my assault on the remaining forces, using my pussy-chucks as the only weapon ... for the moment.
The geese were hanging back .... waiting.... I kept my eyes on the sneaky bastards.... you can't trust Migratory birds a like I tell ya.

The monkey stepped forward and the cats parted to let him through... like it had suddenly become a Kung-fu movie.
Well, all things being equal.... My Kung-Fu is STRONG! ...but he didn't know that as I have kept that a closely guarded secret from even my closest allies... my ace in the hole so to speak.
Well... the details get fuzzy but I will tell you the chimp had a reach like Shaq and a hit like a rhino on steroids (Don't ask). A few well placed kicks and it became apparent to me that a swift kick to the "Monkey Boys" has the same effect on chimps.
A head lock, and a little "OFF the top rope" action and he drifted off into a beaten down pile of drunken hurt.

I spun around and began slowly making my way to the geese. Stomping down on rabid kittens along the way. My feet were greasy with the entrails of the feral felines as I found my way to the two water fowl. They had been watching me.
studying my moves as I had battled through the onslaught of cats and the primate barrage.
They had seen most of what I was capable of.
MOST.

So I swung first at the feathered beast to my right as it is my dominant hand and I tend to lead, strong and finish with a surprise.
this move was almost my downfall... as I hadn't realized they had anticipated this and the demon of a bird on my left struck as my left side remained momentarily exposed.
I went down hard , crashing to the ground clutching my side.
I know you are all worried at this point... but trust me I made it through.
Hand grasping the wound that had torn through the side of my super suit I tried to gather myself as the pair descended on me, followed by the remaining cats, including the two who were still tied into make shift nun chucks, I had dropped them at some point while battling the chimp.

I saw my opportunity as a flash of feathers missed my face.
I bit down hard and twisted.
One goose lay it a motionless pile across me as the other continued its hurried attacks on me.

I sprung to my feet renewed and plucked the gooses from the ground where it had fallen.
Using his carcass to beat what I thought to be the remaining cats into greasy piles of catsnot, I tackled the last goose. Choking him out, I dropped the balance of my substantial girth upon him in an effort to humanely end his suffering.

It was at this point that I, Battered, bruised, torn, and worn out, pulled myself to the porch and tried to go inside with the intent of blogging like I do EVERYDAY *clears throat* but... I had missed one rabid cat.
and as I reached a shaky tired hand for the door, the little bastard scratched me and spit in the wound.

Needless to say, That put me in a foul mood so I stomped him and slipped right there in what was left of him. When I came to... days had passed.
I had to RUSH to the special secret Super hero doctors hideout.
but the rain had washed all the rabid grease spots off where the cats had been before so there wasn't enough brains left over to test for rabis so I had to have secret injections which left me weak and as a side effect I was unable to blog.

So I made up the whole story about nobody reading my crap and thought that I could pass it off.
It seems you are all too smart for me and I can't pull a fast one on you...
So... That is the REAL story of why I wasn't blogging.
I hope it clears up any confusion that I may have caused with that half-assed story from before.
Anyway....
The end.

I'll Leave you with This...
This is just my bit of raving Electro-lunacy to celebrate my return.
I hope you have enjoyed it... because it is all true.
(and by true I mean... don't call the "White coats"... please.)

That is all for now I guess.
~Later