This will be a recurring theme...
(THAT was a Warning for those that don't know me.)
An ongoing study of "GUYism" to help those that are unaware of the complex rules Guys adhere to.
Today I will be handling a delicate subject.
The mens room.
More specifically the proper behavior regarding speech when in the men's room.
I think that when you are in the Men's room there are only a few reasons why you should
EVER talk to someone.
They are as follows.
It is your Man-cub and he is in the stages that require Guidance of some sort. Conversation should be kept to a minimum though so that he is not conditioned to believe it is an acceptable "Place of conversation". You have been attacked by Ninjas and they have lopped off you manhood... At Which point it is EVERY male in a 13 mile radius' job to assist you in locating said member... so you are free to use whatever communication methods you are capable of to acquire previously mentioned assistance.You just survived an incredible feat of heroism in which time as you enter the mens room leaving the cheering crowd outside someone makes eye contact with you... you are allowed to look them in the eyes and say " HERO comin' through... step aside" Point dramatically to your chest and utter not another word. You May Swear Loudly and spit if your zipper catches skin.. but DO NOT Look at anyone while doing this... You must look at the ceiling, the floor, or the urinal... That is it... you can kick the wall... but NO crying. EVER(in the mens room)!You Or your buddy is drunk to the point where assistance to get into the bathroom was require. Getting the wedding tackle out NO MATTER HOW DRUNK the individual is... is the responsibility of the drunk. PERIOD.Previously mentioned drunk has just "Dropped a deuce that he is proud of" ... I am sorry to say this is not really acceptable but we all know that if you got him in there and he managed it on his own.... you aren't gonna be able to shut him up about it. But like with the monkeys at the zoo... Just don't make eye contact IF (you are single Or "hooked up" with a solid set of "Top Five" rules in place and) ANY one of your "Top Five" Mysteriously appears in the bathroom and requests that you become their personal Love slave... You are allowed to yell "Hell Yes!" and proceed to make the "I'm Bangin' her" Hip motions and/or Finger gestures behind her as you walk to her waiting Limo You are blind. You are allowed to say "So... is THIIIIIIS the F*@#IN' Men's room?!" at which time any gentlemen that happen to be in there are allowed to Clear their throat, cough, or say Yes. Because your handicap has allow him to feel good for doing the required "good deed before you die"
(VISUAL: ~>Flash to the bar later that night<~ "I mean shit guys... what was I s'pohz ta do.. the poor fella wouldah piss't Himself RIGHT there! I am a F*@#in' regular old guy... but Sometimes... Ya just gotta help out. sez that in the bible... pretty sure. I heard it once.")
Sorry if I have offended any Blind people that happen to read my Blog I promise I didn't mean you... I meant THAT guy over there... the one no one likes that smells funny.
7 comments:
So this is the direction you have chosen to go in Hmmmm? I have no response to that.
No response as in....
Good, Bad or indifferent? ;0p
Like I am a girl and well..I guess things are different for us. In the womens room the rules go like this......
1. Get in and find a stall fast...There are usually woman standing around waiting and you never know if they are having to go or just standing there...The challenge to finding the stall fast is that most of the stalls will either be unflushed and or defiled with various bodily fluids. I have literally started to walk into a stall and after surveying the damamge thought...Perhaps bio-hazard signs should go up. Note: to the woman who felt it necessary to write her own name in poo on the bathroom stall at the Brewer Wal-Mart YOU ARE SICK AND NEED SOME HELP!
2. It is very important to make sure you pee loud enough to be heard cause heaven forbid someone thinks you are pooping. There is always a set of feet in the end stall that are not making any noise.
3. Which brings me to rule three...If for some reason (ie: explosive diareah, bad chinese food etc) you have to poop in the public rest room..You should...Wait out the crowd. Only coming out of the stall when there is either no one in the bathroom...or the other people are in their respective stalls. In that case you must quickly wash hands and get the frig outta there.
4. Hand washing...They say...(they as in the weirdo's who like to leave posters in the augusta rest stop)that only 1 out of 3 people wash their hands after going to the bathroom. Which leaves me to wonder as I wash my hands...If no one is washing their hands but me...Why to hell is everything wet? and why are there never any paper towels. That means having to use the hand dryier thing...Pointless really...You just end up wiping your hands on your pants in the long run.
5. There is always an old lady who wants to tell you her life story while you are trying to get to the paper towels. There simply is no way around this...I have tried a polite smile, a dirty mean look, even simply walking away.
So you can see it is a little different...The dangers in the lady's room go way beyond the fear that some thinks you are fruity...You are taking your life into your own hands some days :)~
Solution to the old lady problem:
Look at her and give a twitchy grin then do a "Size her up" look and say... "What size shirt do you wear?" and that should make her nervous enough or embarrassed enough to leave... or at the very least... Leave you alone.
This is really cute Jerry...I can't wait for more Guyisms and Info...I have always wondered what all the rules are. Like when is it acceptable to do air guitar in public and other riveting shit like that LOL
ROFL at 'what size shirt do you wear!!!'
Julie I love your rules..especially #3...BTDT LOL!
One you missed...
Inspect seat and surrounding area closely...when in doubt...hover anyway just in case!!
Oh yeah I think you should always hover / unless at Target cause you can't get to the toilet..For some reason you have to come at those stalls from an angle...
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